


This Hurts

by Scourgefan12



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25689442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12
Summary: Jan has a pretty nasty nightmare and ends up turning to his brother for help.
Kudos: 4





	This Hurts

To say that Luke was having trouble sleeping would be inaccurate, as that would imply that he'd actually attempted to get to sleep at some point. That was not the case, he saw no point in trying when he knew he would ultimately fail. It would only amount to a waste of his time.  
  
Not that there was much else for him to be doing at the moment. He was mostly just trying to pass time until night fell. Still, he felt that doing essentially nothing was the better option. Trying to sleep and not being able to would only stress him out, so he skipped right past that and straight into staying up willingly.

He considered leaving his room, going for a walk or something. He was beginning to feel a little restless. Plus, maybe there would be something to occupy his time elsewhere in the Millennium hideout. The organization did have an immense amount of wealth, there had to be something that could hold his attention until he was actually given something to do.

He ended up deciding against this, though. He didn't quite have the layout of the place memorized yet, and he didn't want to risk accidentally causing trouble or waking any of the others. Not that he thought he _would_ , he would make sure to be careful and pay attention to his surroundings. Still, the possibility was there, and it was enough to dissuade him.

So, that left him back at square one. He heaved a frustrated sigh, beginning to pace. One would think he'd enjoy not having anything to do for once, but as it turned out, the reality of the situation wasn't nearly as great as he'd been leading himself to believe.

His thoughts ran on loop for a few more minutes before he was interrupted by a knock at his door.

His building annoyance quickly fell, replaced by confusion. A glance at his clock told him that it was nearly 4 in the afternoon. Who could possibly want to see him this late in the day?

He suspected one of the few humans who resided in Millennium, it would make more sense for them to be awake around this time. Though, that brought up the question of what they needed with him. Both Doc and the Major were very busy men, they wouldn't just decide to bother one of their inferiors on a whim. If they wanted to see him, it was something important.

That thought was a bit nerve-wracking, honestly. If one of them was here for something good, then he'd have to live up to whatever their expectations were. And if it was something bad...

Well, he decided not to think about that. They had no reason to be upset with him. All he'd been doing since joining was following orders, which was exactly what was expected of him. 

Still, once the chance of that was planted in his mind, it was hard not to be nervous, no matter how unlikely it was.

He had to remind himself that it was entirely possible, and probably even more likely, that it was neither of his superiors. He was just dwelling on what-ifs, stressing himself out over nothing.

Whoever it was, they were probably getting sick of waiting. 

He shook himself out of his thoughts and actually cracked open his door, finding.. someone he didn't expect, but in hindsight really should have.

"Jan?"

"Hey, bro. I didn't, like... wake you up or anything, right?"

Luke was a little surprised. That was more considerate than Jan normally was. "No, not at all." Now that he was actually looking, how polite he was being wasn't the only thing strange about Jan. 

He had very clearly just rolled out of bed, which wasn't horribly odd by itself, but normally Jan would at least _try_ to make himself look presentable. At least, since they'd joined Millennium he'd been making an effort, deciding that since he had a job now he had to start acting like it.

He also was visibly anxious. His arms were crossed tightly over his chest, and his gaze was fixed firmly to the floor. He was also shaking, just a bit.

Luke felt concern start to rise in him. "Are you alright? Did you need something?"

Jan tensed up at the question. "Well, I was wondering... Do you think, maybe.." He mumbled out a few half finished sentences, getting more frustrated with each one he failed to complete, cursing at himself in between attempts. Eventually, he just groaned and pulled his hat down over his face. "You know what, just- Never mind, fuck this." He turned to leave, thoroughly embarrassed. "I'm way too old for this shit anyway. Just forget you saw me, it's not even important."

Luke grabbed Jan by the shoulder before he could actually start leaving, holding him in place. There was no way in hell he was just going to let his brother take off like that after the way he was acting. Luke was going to find out what was going on. Or, at least get some confirmation that Jan was okay. He knew that guilt would tear him apart if he just let Jan go.

"What's wrong?" He asked, taking his hand off of his brother. "You know you can tell me, it's fine." To be fair, Jan probably didn't know that. The two of them hadn't had a proper talk about any of their problems in years, how was Jan supposed to know?

Luke supposed that was why he said it, as a reminder.

Jan stared at him for a few moments, debating on what to do. Eventually though, he let out a defeated sigh. "It's just... I was wondering if I could, you know, stay in here with you for a little bit? I kinda had a nightmare, and..." He trailed off, once again looking at anything but Luke.

A nightmare. He'd had a nightmare, and now he was scared and didn't want to be alone. Luke could certainly see why Jan felt a little childish about that.

It wasn't like he was about to ridicule his brother for it, though. He knew exactly how it felt. Nightmares were something he'd struggled with for a while. They were a big part of why he had so much trouble sleeping.

"Of course you can, that would be no problem at all." Luke stepped back, giving Jan enough room to actually enter.

"Thanks, bro." Jan shut the door behind him, managing a small smile. "And uh.. Sorry for bugging you like this."

"I already said I don't mind, didn't I?" Luke returned the smile, hoping that he was succeeding in being reassuring. 

He took one of Jan's arms, guiding him to the bed so that they could sit. "So, did you want to talk about it?" He questioned, admittedly a bit curious. "Or, would you rather try and forget about it?"

Jan pondered the question before shrugging. "Sure, I'll talk. That's supposed to like... help or whatever, right?"

Allegedly, yes. Luke didn't exactly have the personal experience to confirm, but from what he'd heard talking was a great way to sort out your emotions. "In that case, I'm listening. What was it about?"

Jan's first response to that was a roll of his eyes and a bitter laugh. "What do you _think_ it was about?" 

Luke certainly hoped he wasn't seriously expected to guess. The way Jan asked made it seem like it was supposed to be obvious, and a few options did pop up in Luke's mind that seemed very likely, but... He didn't really want to voice any of them. If he were wrong, all it would succeed in doing was bring up bad memories for Jan. And he was supposed to be helping right now, not making things worse.

Jan was quiet for a while, but he eventually spoke up. When he did, his voice was much meeker than before. "You remember that one time when I was like twelve? Me and our dad got in a huge fight about... something." He let out more strained laughter, wrapping his arms around himself in a sort of self-hug. "God, I don't even remember what it was about. Guess it doesn't really matter though, huh?" 

Luke felt his stomach drop. He really hoped this wasn't the story he thought it was. Then again, it wasn't like there were many possibilities that were better when Jan started it like that.

"He wasn't having any of my shit that day, he got me real good." Jan held himself tighter, the memories of what he was recalling making themselves fresh in his mind. "Slammed my head against the edge of the table, I thought he must've cracked my damn skull open." His voice got shakier with each sentence. "Blood was fucking everywhere, I could barely even stand... I really thought I was gonna die." He laughed again, though this time it ended up sounding a lot more like a sob.

Luke swore he could feel his heart tearing into pieces. He could only imagine how his brother felt right now, having to remember something like that. Having to _experience it again_ through that dream of his. It must have been horrifying.

He could also feel memories of that day flashing in his own mind. He remembered it painfully well. He hadn't seen any of it happen, but he'd heard it, and he saw Jan after it was over. It was probably the most terrifying day of his life. He'd been so sure he was going to lose Jan.

He could feel himself start to shake at the sounds and images that formed in his head. Still, he forced the lump that had formed in his throat down. He had to be strong right now. He was supposed to be _helping_ , and he'd be no use at all if he had to be comforted too.

"Jan." He gave a brief warning before resting his hand on his brother's back. 

Jan tensed up in response, but didn't flinch, which was probably good. 

Luke wasn't quite sure what to say or do after that. He was severely out of practice for his sort of thing. After debating over a few options with himself, he decided to just go with his instincts. "Come here." He pulled away, opening his arms in an invitation for an embrace.

Jan didn't need to be told twice. He practically threw himself into his brother's arms, burying his face in Luke's chest.

Jan stopped trying to hide or hold his emotions back at that point, he let himself just break down. Loud cries tore themselves from his throat, and he clung to his brother tight enough that it hurt.

Luke didn't dare breathe a word of complaint, Jan clearly needed this. Not that the thought of doing so even crossed his mind. No, he was too focused on his brother to notice any sort of physical pain.

He just held Jan close, rubbing soothing circles into his shoulders and back. He was tempted to try and say something too, something like "it's okay" or "you're fine". The sorts of things you were supposed to say in situations like this.

Nothing he could think of seemed appropriate, however. Jan was clearly _not_ fine, he was absolutely distraught. Luke honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Jan this upset. 

And it wasn't like Jan didn't have good reason for this. This clearly wasn't the first time he'd had to deal with a memory like that resurfacing, it was just the first time he'd bothered seeking any sort of support for it. At least, the first time in a while. Before now he must have just been dealing with these on his own, and if the way Jan dealt with everyday minor inconveniences was any indication, Luke couldn't imagine Jan's methods for coping with something as major as this to be particularly good.

Plus, he was pretty sure Jan wasn't exactly listening right now. He was too busy letting out god knows how many years worth of distress and despair to pay attention to anything Luke might say.

So, Luke ended up saying nothing. He just held onto Jan even tighter. Not in as crushing of a grip as Jan had on him, but tight enough that he was sure his brother could feel him there.

After what felt like hours, Jan began to tire himself out. His anguished wailing calmed down to quieter sobs and sniffles. His grip, which had previously been like iron, relaxed enough that his arms were only loosely wrapped around Luke.

Eventually, Jan stopped making any noise at all, going completely slack in Luke's arms.

For a moment, Luke was alarmed when he realized that Jan wasn't even breathing. He quickly relaxed though, remembering what the two of them were.

Jan had just fallen asleep. Vampires didn't breathe when they slept. The only reason some did when they were awake was due to lingering human instinct, at least that's what Luke remembered Doc telling him when they'd first been turned.

Luke let out a shaky breath, leaning back against the headboard of his bed. He could feel himself trembling, emotions from the day still weighing heavy on him, but despite that he was glad. He'd at least managed to help Jan. His brother was getting some much needed rest, and would hopefully feel a lot better once he woke up. That was all that really mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the first Legit Serious thing I've written in like,,, years. It's rlly far out of my comfort zone & I feel like that shows in the writing itself. I hope it's okay though?  
> I just have a lot of thoughts & feelings about what the Valentine brothers lives were like before joining Millennium & I wanted to share a few of em


End file.
